$tay ¢old

If the Cavaliers / Pistons Eastern Conference snore fest isn’t helping wean you off Ambien, the possibility of a Spurs / Pistons Finals series most certainly will. Now that every “fun” team to watch in the NBA is gone, the very real possibility that the Spurs will sneak past the Jazz tonight into the finals is a very real possibility. I can’t bring myself to watch Game 6 of the Pistons / Cavs game on account of I hate being bored, so sometime Friday morning I might shriek in horror over the most underwhelming Finals since, like, two years ago when the same motherfucking teams played each other. Here are my suggestions to make the NBA Playoffs less of a joke in years to come:

1. Go back to the 5 game series format for Round 1. If it were up to me, this would be a 3 game series, but Gatorade needs 500 more commercial slots each year, so…whatever.

2. Everyone has to dress like Pistol Pete. This means nut-huggers, some shaggy hair and of course, those puffy gray socks.

3. The trading deadline is re-extended so that Tyrus Thomas can be on every advancing team up to and including the finals. I am not flexible on this.

4. No fouls. Don’t think I’m gonna name-check NBA Jam, son, because I’m not. I’m bringing it back to Arch Rivals, the NES game where you literally punched dudes out of the way before dunking from full court. My boys on the Knicks know how to punch, so obviously I am interested in this rule.

5. If your team scores less than 85 points in consecutive playoff games, Ron Artest takes everyone behind the arena and punches them in the face. This includes all players, coaches, front office employees and beer vendors.