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America has been bestowed with its next top model, and by “top” we mean [awkward silence]. As the winner of Cycle 8, Jaslene has a modest bachelorette party’s worth of previous winners from which to cull advice and inspiration. They periodically appear on the show with frighteningly soothing and fresh-faced mannerisms that suggest somebody’s slipping Xanax into their Outlast foundation. Let’s hope they also get together periodically for vodka and Crystal Lites to share some tears and giggles. But in case not, the (A)IQ, with assistance from her team of [awkward silence] experts, offer the following pointers for Jaz as she embarks on her fierce and fabulous new life.

• First of all, you better brush up on your basic self defense tactics, if you want to get out of that mantis grip Tyra’s got on you. A fiercely shouted NO! will throw her off guard, allowing you to get in a swift headbutt and some sneaky wrist-twist action.
• Don’t get greedy and try to stretch your 15 minutes by appearing on additional reality shows. Unless of course you always secretly wanted to marry a Brady and model for Playboy, which, come to think of it, probably pays better than Cover Girl.
• You know what probably pays worse? Cable networks. Y(o)aaaawwwwwwwn(a). Sorry. That was dumb, but I couldn’t help it.
• Maintain that muscle tone! You’ll need it when you get booked at New York’s most elite modeling spot: Coffee Shop.

I’m sure other past winners have set examples for you to either follow or not follow, but frankly, I can’t remember who they even were. And, much like a 4 year long Cover Girl ad, I’ve already lost interest in this column.

See you in SoHo!